


Letters (to Ye Foul People)

by Kangarooney



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction, Gen, Letters, Spoilers, magical plot hole device, seriously, to writers, we really beat our characters up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2003334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kangarooney/pseuds/Kangarooney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letters written to the Fanfiction writers and readers. From our favorite characters. Spoilers Alert: If you haven't read the books by now, then what the heck are you doing on fanfiction sites? You'll be met with spoilers whereEVER you go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Will Treaty

Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers,

You know you are a sick group of people.

No offense, of course – I'd never want to offend the people that have somehow been given the power to control my life. Not that you could make my life too much worse.

Don't get me wrong – most of you are very good writers. You use exciting verbs and descriptive adjectives and some of you even do research for your stories. Most of the time the story flows brilliantly and you only misspell a few words a chapter. It's good stuff. Amazing really. I'll give you that.

But why, might I ask, why do you feel the need to injure me in unspeakable ways, physically and mentally? You threaten my friends to hurt me. Why do always have to have something bad happen to me or my friends?

Isn't it bad enough that I'm an orphan, I was bullied when young, I was injured while fighting the Kalkara, I was captured by Skandians, used as a slave, addicted to warmweed, lost in a desert, my mentor nearly died, I nearly died, my true love nearly died?

But for some reason, what has already happened to me isn't enough. You've stabbed me with swords and daggers, poisoned me, turned me traitor to my home, stolen me as a baby from the Ward, tortured me, beat me, bruised and battered me, made me an assassin, made Alyss dump me, told me lies about my friends, turned my friends against me. You have shot me with arrows, tied me up, chained me to walls, drugged me, kicked me, choked me, burned me, killed me, that's just the beginning, there's even more.

I'm not trying to complain – really, I'm not – but is a little compassion too much to ask? I've already got the weight of the kingdom on my shoulders as it is. It really doesn't help that you people are constantly trying to kill me and torture me beyond human endurance. Have I done something wrong? Do you want me to be more manly? Do you want me to be invincible, to kick butt, take names, and never, ever come to any harm? Are you trying to make me stronger, impervious to torture? Is this some kind of test? Do you want me to come out of it more powerful than ever?

Or do you people just have a sick, twisted desire to see me in pain? Do you relish my screams? Do you roll in my tears? Is it too much to ask to demand a little slack? Perhaps a slight vacation. A trip to the spa. _Anything_.

Why can't someone write a fan-fiction where nothing bad happens to me? I don't get hit or made fun of or trampled or drowned or strung up or flayed or crushed or even get so much as a paper cut… Can't you make a story about how I find a cute puppy and take him home with me – without the puppy turning savage and mauling me, only to have Gilan or Halt rush in, save the day, and panic over my prone body? What about one where I pick herbs for dinner – and no one, not bloodthirsty bandits, not a wild, savage beast, not even a horde of screaming fan-girls attacks me? I'd even go for a story where I get to stay in bed all day – without being sick or injured or incapacitated in any form or fashion!

Do you think you could handle that? … I thought not.

One last time, I urge you – if you love me, show me mercy! Stop making terrible, unspeakable things happen to me! Let me have one day – one minute, even – without getting pummeled or attacked or decapitated… and you _readers_ – stop reveling in my misery! It's just plain rude! Do you see me reveling in your pain when you stub your toe? Or when you pull a tooth?

With love and well wishes,

Hoping you'll stop trying to kill me brutally with every new chapter/story you read/write,

Your personal anger issue punching bag,

Will Treaty


	2. George Carter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My dear readers, this is letter from none other than George Carter. He has recently learned of our community from Will, and wishes to also send us a letter. I would be delighted if you would take it upon yourself to read his letter. He has especially come to me. Well, Will did too, but George is a good friend of mine. I believe if you would read this, you would realize just how little attention George gets... oops look at me! You have to read for yourself. Thank you." - Old Comment on Fanfiction.net
> 
> Edit Comment: I was told by my reviewers that George referring to me was unnecessary, but for the sake of my sanity (and updates) I'll just leave it as is cause I'm tired, and you want an update.

Dear Fanfiction writers/readers,

I simply have a question or two for you.

It is as simple as this, why do you never write fanfics about me?

Do not misunderstand me. When I would like fanfics written about me, it does not imply that I wish for you to beat me up as much as you beat up my former ward-mate, Will Treaty. Truly, he has told me of all the terrible situations you have put him in. And truly, I am  _very_  pleased I have not been placed in those situations.

But the truth remains. I am simply an add-on character, even my creator, John Flanagan, hardly ever uses me; except for the tenth book, I am merely an-as I said before- an add-on character. One who is used to fill in space, to make the author feel better. In every single book, I am mentioned very little. In your stories I am only ever used for, let me say, gatherings to congratulate my former Ward-mates in some great battle or escape that they completed. Even Jenny is more often used than I.

To give you a few examples of how little I am used compared to my former Ward-mates; the first book I am mentioned, what I believe as, the most often-that is next to the tenth book. And yet, I am still very poorly mentioned. In all the books to follow, I am mentioned to be very busy, say in small talk between two Ward-mates of mine. True, I  _am_  busy. But at least I could tell them  _in person_  that I apologize, but I am simply too busy to interact with them for this, or that, day. In the tenth book, true, I  _am_  in it. But still, I hardly  _ever_ contribute. Do you not think that as friend to these people that I would not like to join in a few of their adventures? Does it ever cross your mind that I actually wouldn't mind, as you people from you dimension call it,  _hanging out_  with my friends? Does it not come across to you that  _maybe_  just  _maybe_  I can take a break from my scribal duties? Especially when I am mentioned to be Head-Scribe later on. Do you not  _think_  that as Head-Scribe I can choose whether or not I can have a break?

My friend from the Fanfiction world of writers, also known as Kangarooney-I am guessing her real name is something else, although she has not told me it-, has told me that she will deliver any letter that I desire to send to her fellow writers. She has told me that she is willing to come back to my world if she receives any reply. I was completely surprised by this, until my former Ward-mate said that it is true. He told me of his letter, and the few replies-though he hasn't yet received an actually complete letter- he has gotten, I believe they are called... reviews? He told me of how you people replied, saying you enjoyed his pain. Truthfully, I was shocked. I couldn't believe that there are such blood-thirsty people in the world. Actually, I still cannot believe it. Because the one known as Kangarooney, seemed so... nice. So trustworthy. I do not know. But what I  _do_ know, is that I would prefer if my life would be written as a little bit more exciting. True, I do like being a scribe. And true, Head-Scribe certainly has its advantages. But can you not see that it gets dull after doing it over and over again? Especially since John Flanagan has decided, as I have been led to believe, to end his series as it is. But-

Oh look at me! I have gone off track! All I want is for more stories to be written about me. That way, my life can be a bit more interesting.

And so, I believe I should be leaving you. I thank you so much for reading this note of mine. For truthfully, I have very little time to write you a full-length letter. And for that I truly apologize.

Once again, I thank you. And I believe you should thank my dear friend Kangarooney for delivering this letter. For I have been led to believe that time-travel/traveling into a world that doesn't exist to another place, and back, is  _very very_ difficult. And also my dear friend Kangarooney has been stuck here for several days due to her transport device failing on her. And I was also led to believe, that a device she has recently invented got lost in our world, I believe it is called the Plot Hole Device, or as she so fondly calls it, Random Floating Random Machine Thingy. Truly it is quite the mouthful, she says for short she calls it RFRMT. She told me as I am writing this letter, that a... a Plot Bunny, brought its design to her while she was reading another fanfic... Truly I am lost to this. A rabbit? A rabbit brought her... blueprints? Truly it is strange. But back to the subject at hand, she told me that this RFRMT will have a story written about it...

Ah! I once again apologize. I seem to easily fall off track today.

I bid you adieu. That is a language called French. I believe it means goodbye. My dear friend told me of this language, she says when she comes back for another visit she will bring with her something called Rosetta Stone. She says it will teach me this language. I do not see how a rock could teach me a language. Perhaps the next time she visits I will see for myself.

Again, adieu! Marvelous sounding language really. Like bells.

Your personal servant and scribe.

George Carter

Head Scribe

Castle Redmont


	3. Alyss Mainwaring

Dear Fanfiction writers/readers,

It is I, Alyss Mainwaring.

I have decided to write you due to your continuous fictional stories about Will and I.

Will and I will always be together. I do not enjoy you people who like him falling for someone other than I. Will does not love anyone other than I. He loves me. Yes, he does love Horace, Halt, Gilan, and everyone else. But  _not_  in the way some of you put it. Truly, I am disgusted by some of the pairings you have put him in. Halt is a  _father-figure_  to him, not... that. I am the only one he loves  _romantically_. Princess Cassandra or, as some of you know her, Evanlyn is not interested in Will, she prefers Horace. Though the poor lad may not know it yet. Instead of writing about how Will breaks up with me and falls for Cassandra, please make our life easier.

Yes, I know there are others, I am addressing you, who love our relationship. I thank you with extreme gratitude that you have chosen to write/read fictional stories where we have a good family, and where Will is not hopelessly in love with someone else.

Please, you who love to torture Will, stop, he does not enjoy it.

The thought of every torture you have put him through horrifies me. You sicken me to the core. I cannot believe there are people such as you in this world. People who enjoy others discomfort, pain, agony even. Not only do you hurt him physically, you torture him mentally as well. You tell him lies about me in love with some other man.  _Stop!_  Stop I say. Will does not need this.

So I beg you, please, stop.

Hoping you shall discontinue with your sick twisted plots,

Alyss Mainwaring  
Head Courier  
Castle Redmont


	4. Horace Altman

Dear Friends,

Wow. I really have had a good life, haven't I? It's all thanks to you, and my dear creator, John Flanagan. You all have been so good to me. Truly. Sure, I was raised an orphan, my father having died in battle, mother through other means. Yes, I was bullied while in Battle School. But if you really think about it, my life has been amazing. To show you how, I'll go through my life as John F. wrote it.

First off, I was taken to the Ward. Not only were there two pretty girls there, but also a nerd for me to ignore, and a puny brat for me to pick on. When the Choosing came along, instead of that brat, Will, getting the position, I got it. He actually was a reject and probably would have been sent to the farms had he not been so curious. Anyway, more about me. Drills after drills after drills. All of these were making me fit, and even better. Yes, I was bullied, and at the time, I hated it, and even admit to crying, but it helped me. I gained experience from it. And now, to top all that off, I was a natural. Beautiful really.

Anyway, on life went. Then Halt and Will found a boar and Baron Arald invited me along. I was nervous, I do admit, but the event was exciting, if a bit life-threatening. Here, I'll tell you. A soldier, whose name I do not recall, killed the  _first_  boar, then the circle broke up. Note, I said  _first_  boar. There was a second. While walking by me, Will nodded. I went to nod back, then noticed the second boar. For some strange reason, I decided to be all hero and save Will. So I pushed him out of the way. Anyway, so the event went, I saved him, him me. Blah blah. And Halt saved the day. Go figure. Anyway, at the end of the day, we became friends. Don't ask me  _how_  it happened. It just did. The ending of the story is nothing special.

My second adventure involved the "dreaded Morgorath," but seriously, he wasn't too great of a fighter. Since I didn't have much to do during the beginning, I'll skip. Will, Gilan, and I, headed for Celtica for some alliance or other. Anyway, some unimportant stuff happened. Then Will, Evanlyn, - who just so happens to be a princess, huh - and I burned the bridge. Evanlyn and Will were captured by Skandians, so I headed for camp and shared the news. Blah blah, I killed Morgy after challenging him to a duel. Then Halt watched Will and Alyss get taken to Skandia.

After they were kidnapped for slavery, Halt was moody. He and I headed for Skandia via riding to go rescue Will, and Evanlyn, who by now, we had discovered, wasn't just any random princess, but _the_ princess. A lot of things occurred during that ride, nothing too exciting, I killed some noble dude who'd been terrorizing the lands, or something like that. Anyway, Halt discovers the Temujai were back, who had this massive and unending army.

Thankfully, we reunited with Will and Cassandra. Evidently some Jarl helped them escape because he couldn't bear to see Will as a warmweed addict. I hate those people for what they did to Will. But hey, at least it wasn't me! We ended up, after meeting with a group of Skandians and scouting out the Temujai campsite, heading to speak with whoever was the Oberjarl at the time, Ragnak I think. Anyway, we made an alliance with them and Will trained slaves to be archers. I was bored and started practicing my drills. Stuff happened, the Temujai came. The war occurred. Blah blah. Anyway, you could compare the battle to the Peloponnesian War*, like I said, compare. It's not the exact same, but similar. Anyway, we win, yay, and head back home. Everyone is happy, oh, and I become a knight. Did I forget to mention Erak became Oberjarl? He did.

The next adventure has a larger span of time in it. Will graduates and gets his own fief. Called Seacliffe I think. He gets bored there, to put it plainly. And really, now that you think about it, he complains about having too exciting a life, but really, the boring life is not for him. Seacliffe proves that. So anyway, we both end up at the castle of Mackindaw with a boatload of Skandians, misshapen people, and a 'sorcerer'... somehow. We discover some evil plot, go figure, and lay siege to said castle. We win, of course.

Seventh story actually occurs before these events. Nothing much happens here. All of us nearly die, but  _Will_ , our  _hero_ , comes along and saves our lives. And  _why_  does he always complain?

Numbero eight is mostly about Halt. His family, how he's royalty, boring stuff like that. Oh, did I forget to mention he got married? Yeah, so in the beginning he and Lady Pauline get married. Guess all those stories 'bout those two were true, eh? *winks*

 _Then_  Halt nearly dies. But he survives, so that is a plus. End of that story.

And then, I go to Nihon-Ja. Help keep the emperor from being overruled, and gain a cool nickname.

And now, can you see what a wonderful life I've had so far? I thank you all for it. That was just from John F., there are so many of your stories that involve me having fun, and Will being in trouble. *big grin*

Gratefully,

Your utmost admirer,

Horace, the Oakleaf Knight

P.s. I am written as 'thought' to be stupid, yet then written as not stupid. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Ranger's Apprentice. 
> 
> *The Peloponnesian War is what the movie '300' is based on. Xerxes, king and 'god' of Athens, Greek demanded a tribute from Sparta. They refused, thus starting a war. King of Sparta took 300 of his men and went to hold the Greeks off, while the Spartan council decided whether or not they should declare war against Greek. After everything, 299 of those men died, one was sent back to Sparta to tell of the defeat, yet victory. Did I forget to mention that these 300 killed about 3000 people?
> 
> This chapter was originally posted on fanfiction.net ~Jan of 2012.


	5. Halt

To the people who remind me _so_ much of my apprentices *sigh*,

Yadda yadda ya. Yes this is Halt. *waits (im-)patiently for fan-girl shrieks to end*

Basically I'm just writing you with a hope that maybe, _maybe,_ somehow I'll manage to drill this into your perverse, terrifying minds that _no,_ I _do not like answering questions._ Got it? No more. Just... NO.

Yeah yeah yeah. Go ahead, claim you're innocent, I've really got _all_ day. Now that you've paused halfway through this paragraph to indignantly claim yourself completely innocent (if that word even exists where you are), continue reading.

I know what goes through your minds, oh no. You don't have the mercy to torture me the way you do Will. Rather, you torture me in _completely_ different, and _much_ worse ways.

Oh _ho!_ I saw that furtive/guilty look right there! Don't go hiding it behind your hands. I _know_ your kind.

You may not have terrible things happen to me that include anything along the lines of: Abuse, murder, rape, enslavement- both to drugs and people-, and any other things you do to my most (REAL) recent apprentice.

Still pretending the innocent act, eh? Fine. How about I list just a few of these _terrible abuses_ you rain down on me? Maybe I can "refresh" your memories, eh?

1\. Rabid fan-girls come into my world, and attack me. - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Not only is it impossible for you to come into my world which is a BOOK SERIES; and also this occurrence is highly ILLOGICAL.

2\. Will is back to being my apprentice (*shivers* Terrible occurrence all in itself) and something happens to him where I must either: a) Save the day. Or b) Be bothered by my apprentice while he is on Sugar rush. - ? JUST NO.

3\. And NO MORE versions of Will's _STUPID_ "Greybeard Halt" song. *sigh* Hate that song...

4\. Then there are those miscellaneous ones where Gilan is my apprentice again; I'm... *shudders* in... *shivers* love with one of my apprentices. UGH. There are SO MANY THINGS WRONG ABOUT THAT. No. And then you try to explore my relationship with Pauline. - Please don't go any further, I don't want us to have a divorce, because of you.

Oh pits. I probably just sparked _somebody's_ imagination, and soon a story about Pauline and I... separating.

Well before I go off and give you more brainless ideas, I'm ending this letter.

Goodbye.

_Halt_


End file.
